


somewhere between true love and true fear

by zwow



Category: Eminem (Musician), Machine Gun Kelly (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Fluff and Angst, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Trans Male Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 23:35:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29957616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zwow/pseuds/zwow
Summary: anononymous said: Trans!kells, and how he tells Em?orKells is afraid of how much he loves Em and terrified of telling him the truth
Relationships: Colson Baker | Machine Gun Kelly/Eminem
Comments: 3
Kudos: 19





	somewhere between true love and true fear

**Author's Note:**

> in this fic, Kells doesn't have Casie. I didn't feel qualified to write about having kids as a trans person or address specifically at what age Kells started his transition, so i felt it was best not to even broach the subject. unbeatad and written in one go at 2am so any mistakes are most definitely mine.

Colson wonders if it’s possible to be terrified of someone in a good way.

Not scared of them, not really. Petrified by the way they make you feel.

But not the cliché shit. Not the stupid fucking butterflies. Not the rollercoaster ride in your belly people talk about.

It’s the way you feel when you wake up in the morning and realize you were fucking dreaming about them. It’s how you feel when they grab your hand and you can’t decide if letting them feel how sweaty you are is worth feeling their warmth in your palm, so you just stand there, clenching and unclenching like a total fucking idiot. It’s the moment their face becomes the only one you look forward to, and the first taste of _real fear_ you’ve ever felt when you understand now how people can say ‘forever’ and fucking mean it.

It makes him sick.

Colson knows better than to believe in that. He knows he’ll never trust anybody to love _him_ that long, even if he weren’t a little broken. There are moments though, when he looks at Em, and thinks about epic love stories spanning hundreds of years and how that wouldn’t be nearly enough time for him to love _Em_.

It’s terrifying, deliriously scary.

In the best way.

He needs to tell him.

The only thing that scares him more than the way Em makes him feel, is what he’ll feel if Em doesn’t take it well. The warm, welcome fear turns into a cold sweat on the back of his neck as it does whenever he thinks Em might realize the truth before he can tell him.

His scars are as fully healed as they’re ever going to get and his chest tattoos camouflage them with ink. Em rolls Colson’s nipple between his fingers during sex sometimes, and instead of arching into it, he presses himself further down into the mattress. Don’t look too closely, he thinks, don’t feel too far down, don’t find out, please don’t find out this way. Shame wracks through him more powerful than any orgasm.

He needs to tell Em.

Em has rapped horrific words in the past. He’s used the F slur in a way completely juxtaposed from reclamation, the T slur, every misogynistic phrase any regular person could think of, and a few more than only exist in the minds of the truly hateful. He’s done horrific things in the past. He’s pistol whipped somebody for messing around with his wife, he’s ruined careers, he’s built his own career out of being aggressively antagonistic.

Colson is afraid of what will happen when he knows the truth.

One night, in the middle of going down on him, Em stops. He pulls off to the head of Colson’s dick, and then fully away. Colson is convinced he knows. Something about Colson feels wrong, fake, unnatural, and Em just now realized what. Colson tries to snap his legs shut and pull away, but Em locks his hands on Colson’s thighs.

“Look at me.” Em’s voice is soft, disarming at the worst possible time. Colson looks down through tears he’s trying to blink back.

“I’m in love with you.” Em whispers. It’s the first time either of them has said it, though Colson’s been feeling it for a while.

“I’m in love with you too.” He whispers back. It reaches his own ears sounding like an apology, but Em must not notice because he’s already bowing his head back between Colson’s legs.

Colson cries as he comes. His tears are pleasure, fear, and relief.

He needs to tell Em.

He finally does one night after they’d just had sex. He pulled a pair of sweatpants on the moment they finished like he always does, and Em had snorted.

“I’ve seen, touched, sucked and fucked your dick, you don’t always have to jump up and put pants on when we’re done.” He joked. “A good, naked cuddle is nice sometimes, I think there’s something sexy about mixing our sweat.”

Colson never wants Em to have time to scrutinize his body too much, to have space to wonder about the shape of his hips or the look of his dick. And he’s tired of that, so tired of hiding himself. He’s afraid too, of Em and what he’ll do when he knows the truth.

Exhaustion wins out. Colson ties the drawstring of the sweatpants tight, so they won’t fall down if he has to run. He spots his shirt in direct line to the door so it’s easy to grab, and thanks whatever god is looking out for him that it landed there. He wonders how long it would take Em to grab his clothes and throw on the bare minimum if he were really intent on chasing him out of the house, and how much distance he could put between them in that time. He sits on the edge of the bed, out of arms reach, when he’s confident he could make it out semi-safely if he needs. He plans his escape, and he fucking hates himself for it. But Em terrifies him, in good ways and bad. 

“Can I tell you something?”

Em drops his half smile and sits up straight. “What’s goin’ on?”

“I’m…” He’s a rabbit, skittish and frail.

“You’re…” A liar, a fake, completely in love with you.

“I’m,” He tries again at Em’s lead. His heart is about to break out of his ribcage and into a million pieces. “I’m trans.”

“What?”

“Transgender. You know, like, when I was born—”

“I know what transgender means.” Em snaps. Colson gets ready to bolt. He’s stupid. So stupid. Why did he do this?

“I’m sor—” Em stops the beginning of an apology Colson isn’t sure how he was going to end. What is he sorry for? For springing this on Em right after sex? For falling in love with a man who didn’t know a huge truth about him? For just _existing_ the way he is?

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

It’s so predictable, Colson scoffs. That’s what they always want to know. Why didn’t you tell me so that I could reject you right away? Why didn’t you tell me before I fell for a freak? Why didn’t you tell me? I’ll kill you for your lie.

“I don’t have to disclose to every random person I meet.” He sniffs. He should go, he needs to go. This isn’t going well. It’s definitely not going to end well. Before he gets off the bed, Colson looks at Em once more to remember. Remember the face of the man you thought you could have forever with. Memorize the lines of disgust, the angry furrow of his brow, the tightly clenched jaw. Remember how stupid you were to ever think the word forever or speak the word love.

Em doesn’t look angry. He doesn’t look disgusted, either. Colson looks at Em and if this were the last face he’d remember, it’d be one of sadness, of hurt, of betrayal.

“Is that what I am? Some random dude? Kells it’s been almost a fuckin’ year since we got together. I don’t care that you don’t tell everybody else. Why the fuck didn’t you tell _me_?”

“I wanted to.” It’s the truth. Since the very first time he’d thought of a future lasting longer than a week with Em, he’d wanted to tell him. But the fear kept him silent.

“You didn’t, though. Why?” Em pleads for the truth. Colson isn’t sure he wants to hear it. He’s worked so hard on changing in the last few years. He’s still outgrowing decades of internalized homophobia and misogyny and unlearning more and more every day. Since he’s worked so hard, would it hurt him to hear that Colson still feared transphobic backlash from him? Would it make him angry?

Colson has ignored his own discomfort for so long he decides to be selfish for a moment and not care how the truth will make Em feel.

“Obviously, I was afraid of how you’d react. Come on, Em. Why the fuck would I ever assume you, who threw around fag way before you ever came out and who rapped about killing your fucking wife over some cheating, would be okay finding out you’re dating a tranny?” Colson hasn’t used that word in years. He hates to hear it and hates to use it even more, but that’s how he needs Em to hear it. He needs him to hear dehumanizing language and understand that’s what Colson was afraid of, being made to feel less than human by the person you’re head over heels for.

“Because I fucking love you. You know that. I’ve said it before. You remember, I said I love everything about you!”

“You didn’t know about _everything_!” Colson cries. Em stands up from the bed quickly, he flinches back and holds out his arms defensively. When he does, Em winces and takes a step back with his hands up.

“Sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten up like that. You’re right to freak out, or I don’t know, you’re valid or whatever…” Colson lets his arms drop to his sides. He hates that he’s so defensive even as he’s ninety nine percent sure Em won’t hurt him. That one percent is ready to fight for his life, though. “I just wanted to say that I know _everything_ now, and nothing has changed. I still fucking love you. All of you. I was gonna give you like a hug too or some shit, but y’know.” Em is in front of him, completely naked and baring his soul, but Colson still feels like the vulnerable one.

“So you don’t hate me? You’re not freaked out?”

Em shakes his head, “I can’t lie, this is such a big fucking surprise I’m a little freaked out, but it’s not bad. Kells, I swear it’s just that I have a lot of questions for you, fuckin’ _about_ you. But this doesn’t change the way I feel. I told you, I fucking love you so much. I could never hate you.”

Colson sighs. His body relaxes for the first time since he told Em. Actually, it’s probably the first time since they started hooking up that he hasn’t been worried about what it would be like if Em found out. Still, it’s been a long night, and an extremely draining one.

“It’s such a fucking relief to hear you say that, but if it’s okay… I don’t really want to talk about it or like answer your questions tonight.”

Em nods, “Whenever you feel like talking about it, I wanna talk, but we can definitely call it a night.”

They both get back into bed a bit uneasily. It’s awkward, neither one of them sure how ready the other person is to cuddle after the high emotions from earlier. They move forward and back for a few minutes until Em slings a possessive arm over Colson’s hip and brings him in tightly, just how they normally sleep. A wave of love and gratitude washes over Colson.

“Thank you.” He says into the darkness.

“For what?”

“I don’t know, for taking this so well, I guess.” For loving me…

“Nah, thank you for finally trusting me enough to tell me.” There’s no one else he trusts more. No one else he loves more. And that still scares the shit out of him.

Colson is terrified of Em in the best fucking way.

**Author's Note:**

> thx for the read, comments and kudos are greatly appreciated! check me out on tumblr @zwowow to prompt me or to just chat


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